Living in Juarez was always a wonderful adventure for me, so when in 2010 I felt the city calling me to walk its streets again I didn’t stop to think it through. I grabbed my backpack, left the countryside, and arrived at my lovely city, at this time known as “one of the most violent cities in the world.” I arrived in the middle of a war. I could feel the city reaching out to me trying to break out of its silence, but the roaring sound of the tanks and gunshots shut it out. I sat in the ghostly stillness of the night trying to understand what an ordinary person like myself could do for such a wounded city. Well the answers came.

While many people were running away leaving everything behind, there was a group of women who were not ready to give up just yet. They were the mothers, the aunts and the sisters of the murdered children.   They were grieving women holding their heads up high, holding a flag of forgiveness. And even though their whole body was aching in pain, they were standing up, ready to fight this war with the most powerful of all weapons, love.

We were in the middle of a tremendous war with extortions, shootings, kidnaps, car bombs; it was years stained with blood of many innocent people who “got in the way.”

In 2010, the state prosecutors reported more than 3000 deaths in the city. And even though one would imagine these women running away, they weren’t. The were coming out dressed in white, marching in silence, holding hands with their families and other families, marching for peace. They were coming out speaking in conferences about peace and responsibility, and everyone’s’ important role in the city. They were coming out praying with other grieving families. They were coming out reaching out to the teenagers left in the city, trying to make sure they would not get recluted by the drug cartels. They were coming out yes with fear in every bone in their body, but the love they felt for the people in the city was much greater than any fear. Their children were brave children, loving children, and they wanted to honor their memories. These honorable women and the men who joined all became my family. Sowers of Peace. We worked alongside other organizations in the city rebuilding brick by brick our fallen city. Fire, bombs, and tanks could tear down our buildings, but they were not going to bring our spirits down.

We became a ghost city, many people left, but when you heard a mother of a murdered child speak about love, peace and responsibility, you had no choice but to raise your hand and say where do I sign.

We went to schools, community centers, peoples homes, we prayed with them, gave them therapy, conferences, workshops, and got the most wonderful reward, a city rising in love, compassion and unity.

Today after years of hardship I cannot say the city is free of violence, but I am proud to say from being one of the most violent cities in the world it became the most resilient city in the world.

The city is alive again rising strong and hopeful.

This city is my home, and weather in peace or war; I’ve learned the biggest lessons here, that in the midst of a war only love conquers.

Abuse can occur to anyone of any age, gender, religious beliefs, ethnic background, and economic levels. It can take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, financial, and digital abuse. It can also show up as stalking.

Abusers use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to keep you under their power. You deserve to be valued, respected and safe. Remember there is always help available. By learning about the types of abuse, knowing the warning signs, and learning what you can do to stop and prevent abuse, you can make a huge difference in your or someone else’s life.

Abuse is the improper use or treatment of an entity, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. To use or treat so as to injure or damage. (Noun and verb)

Types of Abuse

 

Physical Abuse

Any Intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body

• Scratching
• Punching
• biting
• strangling
• kicking
• throwing objects at you
• pulling your hair
• pushing
• using any weapon towards you
• smacking you
• grabbing you by force to prevent you from leaving or to make you go somewhere

 

Sexual Abuse

Any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. When someone doesn’t resist an unwanted sexual advance, it doesn’t mean that they consented. Sometimes physically resisting can put a victim at a bigger risk for further physical or sexual abuse.

• Unwanted kissing or touching
• unwanted rough or vilent sexual activity
• rape or attempted rape
• refusing to use condoms
• restricting someone’s access to birth control
• keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted diseases
• sexual contact with someone sho is very drunk, drugged, unconscious, or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed yes, or no
• threating someone into unwanted sexual activity
• pressuring or forcing
• sexual insults

 

Emotional/Verbal Abuse

A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. How to recognize emotional abuse (link) It may not leave bruises but it leaves pain and emotional scarring. Sometimes the abuse is so bad that you start to believe what your abuser says. You may start to blame yourself for your abusers behavior.

• threats
• insults
• constant “checking-in”
• excessive texting
• humiliation
• intimidation
• isolation
• stalking
• Calling you names
• putting you down
• yelling and screaming
• embarrassing you intentionally in public
• preventing you from seeing or talking to friends and family
• telling you what to do and wear
• damaging your property when they’re angry
• using virtual communities to control intimidate or humiliate you
• blaming your actions for their abusive behavior
• accusing you of cheating
• being jealous of your relationships
• stalking you
• threating to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them
• using gas lighting(link) techniques to confuse or manipulate you
• making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity
• threatening to expose your secrets
• starting rumors about you
• threating to have your children taken away from you

 

Financial Abuse

It can be very subtle, but it is when the abuser tries to control, or have power over you, using money.

• giving you an allowance and closely watching you
• placing your paycheck into their account and not giving you access
• forbidding you to work
• keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records
• getting you fired
• hiding or stealing from you
• using your social security number to obtain bad credit loans
• refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine, clothing
• using their money to hold power over you

 

Digital Abuse

The use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully harass, stalk or intimidate a person,

• tells you who to be friends with on social media
• sends you negative, insulting or even threating messages online
• puts you down on social media
• sends you unwanted explicit pics and or demands you send some in return
• steals your passwords
• constantly texts you and makes you feel like you cant be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished
• looks through your phone constantly

 

Stalking

Repeatedly watches, follows or harasses you, making you feel afraid or unsafe, it can be someone you know or a stranger. You may feel stressed, vulnerable or anxious, trouble sleeping, concentrating, you could feel you are no longer in control of your life, these reactions are completely normal.

• show up at your home or work unannounced or uninvited,
• wait at places you hang out,
• leave unwanted gifts,
• call and hang up constantly,
• damage your home, car or other property,
• use social media to track you

 

You may experience one or more of these types of abuse at one time from one partner, or from a co-worker. Abuse can be present in any part of your life. If you fear you may be going through any of these types of abuse talk to someone you trust, create a safety plan, remember it is not your fault, don’t accept or make excuses for the abuser, know the warning signs, because unhealthy or abusive situations usually get worse.

Sometimes all we need is to feel heard, to know that someone sees us, and to know we are not going crazy.   When you find yourself in a situation of abuse, you end up losing sight of what’s real and what’s not, so when you are able to open up and share this with someone, it’s a ray of hope in your life.

If you are that friend to whom someone has opened up, here are several tips on how to continue helping. It’s a vital time when an abused person starts sharing and opening up about her situation.

• Listen to her, sometimes all we need is someone to hear us, and that does enough healing
• Even though you want to tell her what’s “best” for her, try to understand she may not be in a situation where she will listen to you, so be careful on what you say so she doesn’t shut down
• Don’t try to force her to leave the relationship, because she may not be ready for that
• Acknowledge that it takes courage to talk about this experience of abuse
• Let her know that nothing she says or does justifies her abuser’s behavior, no one deserves to be mistreated
• Ask her if she has suffered any physical harm, and if she has ask her if she wants you to go with her to the hospital
• Help her plan safe strategies to leave the abusive situation
• Get informed on the different organizations that help women in these situations, and be ready to tell her about them when she is ready to take these steps
• You can talk to her about the different types of abuse without saying that is what she is experiencing, allow her to identify by herself the situation she is in
• If she is ready to report the situation to the police, offer to go with her in this process
• Don’t urge her to leave this situation if she is not ready, help her take the steps she needs
• Don’t put yourself in a dangerous situation by helping her
• Contact a professional if you feel things are getting worse

Anyone can be a victim of abuse no matter age, gender, or philosophy of life, no one is exempt. Abusers are all around us, let us not fall victims of circumstance but rise together, strong and united.